Billy Bob Loses Bet, Winner to Collect This Friday
In the most anticipated turd since the day after my corn feast last month, "The Astronaut Farmer" from Warner Brothers hits theaters this Friday. This movie is about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn. And you know what his name is? Farmer. Brilliant! It's gold! Greenlight it! And hey, doesn't Bob still owe me an 8-ball from a couple days ago?
Now, even though it's my humble wish for Jerry Bruckheimer to die in a fiery plane crash, I'd still rather watch "Pirates of the Caribbean 22: Jolly Roger Paints a House" than see this movie. Watching the trailer, you expect it to end with "Based on a True Story", but it doesn't. And you know why? Because someone was actually dumb enough to make up a story about a farmer who builds a space shuttle in his barn. The official synopsis says that the guy who builds the rocket has "a degree in aerospace engineering and was a natural for NASA's astronaut training program and was well on his way when a family situation forced him to drop out and return home." Oh, my mistake, you're right, that totally makes sense now.
I tried to build a battleship in the shed one time, but the neighbors made me get rid of it 'cause they said the smell was lowering their property values. In retrospect, I probably should've made it out of, like, metal.
Tarantino Gets His Rodriguez Removed.
Variety is reporting that in some countries, the Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double feature "Grindhouse" is going to be broken up into two separate movies. Some might argue that this is a classic case of dirty ethnic types trying to swindle people into paying double for cheap crap like a twisted novelty Corona bottle or Last Supper relief made of glitter, but I applaud the move. You see, for me, seeing a Tarantino-Robert Rodriguez double bill is kind of like ordering a cheeseburger and having it come with a shit burrito – a diarrhito, if you will.*
If any of the countries splitting the bill could also figure out how to take all the Rodriguez-infected parts out of the Kill Bill movies, I might move there - watch out ladies! (and attractive ladyboys)
*This is a hypothetical situation not reflective of my actual dietary habits. In real life I am a vulturetarian; I only eat animals that eat other animals that eat other animals that eat plants. Top of the food chain, bitch!
ABC TV News: "Grey's Anatomy SVU", Heather Mills Dances With One Leg, Big Pussy
Proving that television executives are the most imaginative people on the planet, ABC announced that it's pursuing a spinoff of "Grey's Anatomy", the pioneering medical drama, that boldly goes where only "ER", "Chicago Hope", "General Hospital", "Scrubs". "Nip/Tuck", "M*A*S*H", "House", "Doogie Howser M.D." and a handful of others have gone before. Look out for "Grey's Anatomy: SVU", "Grey's Anatomy: Muskogee", and "Grey's Anatomy: Homophobic Negro Surgeon", all coming soon. Seriously, these people have been recycling ideas for so long that pretty soon they're going to come out with a show that's just a cameraman in front of a mirror filming himself filming himself filming himself filming himself filming himself until it tears a hole in the space-time continuum and we're all running from dinosaurs and robot sex monkeys from the future. Is that what you really want? IS IT?!?
In other news, Heather Mills, the one-legged former soft-core porn model and ex-wife of Paul McCartney, will soon be triumphantly hobbling around the set of "Dancing With the Stars", as an inspiration to crippled gold diggers everywhere. Rounding out the cast are Olympic skater Apolo Anton Ohno, boxer Laila Ali, Clyde Drexler, Sal "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero, outspoken mullet activist Billy Ray Cyrus, Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey, former ET host Leeza Gibbons, model and Ric-Ocasek-marryer Paulina Porizkova, Ian Ziering, and 'N Sync's Joey Fatone (you can remember which one he is by spelling his last name - fat one; aren't letters fun?).
I'd originally cast all these people in my own celebreality show, "Jump in a Volcano", but Shandi Finnessey passed because she said she'd be too distracted by my rippling biceps. I have another idea for a show called "Joe AIDS", which is kind of like the bachelor, but instead of a bunch of women competing for one rich guy, they'll be competing for three guys; one millionaire and two guys with AIDS. They won't know which is which and will have to sleep with the guy before they get the money. Any takers?
